Sheryl Sandberg tells the world in her book Lean In, “Professional ambition is expected of men but is optional—or worse, sometimes even a negative—for women. ‘She is very ambitious’ is not a compliment in our culture. Aggressive and hard-charging women violate unwritten rules about acceptable social conduct.”
Recently, I was told that when I interviewed with my current company I was perceived by some as “too aggressive.” A good friend and colleague interviewed for a new position within the same company, and was perceived as not aggressive enough. This begs the following questions:
- Why is ‘aggressive’ in a woman a bad thing? I prefer to think of myself as first and foremost, passionate. And guess what? With passion comes a certain level of aggression. With aggression comes the ability to get stuff done. Shouldn’t companies want employees who know how to get stuff done?
- Where is the line drawn, between not aggressive enough, too aggressive, and just right? Is it me or does this feel a little like a Goldilocks tale?
- Why do woman still need to worry about the fact that being confident in our ability to do the job and do it well, may be perceived as being too aggressive and not befitting of the company culture? Are we still living in the 60’s?
So, those old stereotypes still exist. It is a fact. During an interview, how do we exude confidence, show the interviewer that we know we can do the job, and not offend by being “too aggressive?” Here is my feeling on this – don’t overthink it. Be who you are. Be confident. You are there to do a job. You are not there to make lifelong friends. You certainly cannot alienate everyone in the process – you will need to work with others and be a team player. Just remember, if you spend all your time worrying about being liked you may indeed be liked by your colleagues, but you may wonder why you aren’t advancing in your career.
On the other hand, I will also say that at this stage in our lives there can be a very fine line between being a confident and passionate woman, and that of a grumpy old lady. Our burden is in knowing the difference between when an animated discussion is productive and when it is not. When I find myself getting frustrated in explaining what should be basic principles to younger colleagues, I try not to come across as the impatient, grumpy old lady and instead see it as a ‘teachable moment.’ Take those moments and make it a positive learning experience instead of a lecture that shuts people down. It may be tough at times, but I guarantee you will feel better about yourself and your colleagues will begin to turn to you for advice, instead of turn away from you.
For additional tips on gaining confidence, read Confidence Is Key. If you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend reading Sheryl Sandberg’s book “Lean In.” I think it should be required reading for all women, regardless of their age. I also encourage you to visit the site of her foundation: Lean In. I think Ms. Sandberg would back me up on this: always remember, be strong!
