If you have been reading my posts you have probably picked up on the fact that I am in a long distance relationship with my husband. I have discovered this is more common than most people think. I have friends, family and colleagues who are all experiencing what it means to be in a long distance relationship (LDR). What I have learned, and you may have too, is that you work harder at your relationship under these circumstances. For those people who think a husband and wife should never live apart, I say how many hours a day do you stop what you are doing and actually talk to your partner? How much time and effort do you put into staying connected, staying interesting and staying relevant? For a LDR to be successful you do all of those things – every day, every week, every month.
How do couples end up in a LDR? Everyone I know, including myself, find themselves in a LDR because of career choices. Sometimes smart women need to make tough choices. In today’s world if both of you need or want to work, you may not be able to find work in the same community. When my husband and I were first together, we weren’t even living on the same continent.
The couples I know engage in a LDR because they see it as short-term. Nobody does this thinking, “Sure – let’s live apart for the next 20 years.” In talking to others, anything from 6 months to 6 years is fair game. You may be doing this for financial reasons or you’re doing it because you both want to help the other fulfill their potential. Whatever your reason, only you and your partner get to make that decision. There may be people who judge you for ‘not standing by your man’ but I say ignore them. If living together full time is all it takes to have a happy and healthy relationship, nobody would be filing for divorce.
If you are a little overwhelmed with it all, here are a few tips and tricks that I have learned in the three years I have been doing this:
- Talk every, single day. We live in different time zones, but I text my husband every morning when I wake up. Surprise your partner with a text, email or eCard during the day – let them know you are thinking of them. In the evening my husband and I have a set time when we connect – we catch up on the day, share our struggles and our wins, talk about the past and plan for the future.
- See each other for long weekends as often as you can. This isn’t the time to do your weekend chores and hand your spouse a ‘honey do’ list. This is the time to have a long, lingering lunch and share your thoughts, feelings and your dreams. Remember, this is short term and tough to do. Have fun together when you have the opportunity to do so – this is important and those memories will help you through the inevitable grey days.
- Identify the things that brought you together in the first place and use them to stay connected. Start your own book club, listen to music you love and share stories about what was going on in your life when you first heard that song. Be a sounding board for tough work experiences if you first met in the work place. If you both love sports, watch a game together and celebrate or commiserate over the phone.
Your LDR may be your reality for a while. You aren’t going to do yourself or your partner any good if you spend every moment together lamenting about being apart. The two of you will fight from time to time; you will be lonely, sad and frustrated as well. When that happens remind yourself as to why you are doing this – remind yourself that in the grand scheme of things a few months or even a few years isn’t much. Most importantly, remind yourself you are doing this because you both matter, and you both love the other person enough to make sacrifices. I believe you will find you develop a deeper and more meaningful relationship because of the experience. There are days where this can be really tough – believe me I can relate. But, you can do this – I know you can. Be strong!
